Några år senare.

Då är jag tillbaka här igen, efter ett par år. Jag vet inte om jag ska se det som någonting positivt eller negativt dock. Mycket har hänt under dessa år och mycket som inte har hänt.

Just nu är det mycket som händer på alla ställen i mitt liv. det är så mycket jag vill skriva av mig, det är så mycket som jag behöver få ut mig. Jag vet bara inte var jag ska vända mig eller vem jag ska prata med. Att gå till en psykolog eller kurator vet jag inte kommer hjälpa mig, dem kan inte lösa problemen eller känslorna inom mig, det enda dem kan göra är att råda och lyssna. Men om jag behöver någon som kan finnas där och faktiskt hjälpa mig att lösa det som behövs lösas för att jag ska kunna må bättre - var är då den personen? Ingenstans.

Mest av allt känns det bara som att jag vill ta en kniv och hugga mig själv i hjärtat så allt är över. Eller ta bilen och köra ut i vattnet och dränka mig själv. Men jag vet att det inte går, jag har ett barn att tänka på. Ett barn som behöver mig. Den enda personen som finns där för mig, mitt barn, min dotter på snart 8 år. Det denna lilla tös inte behöver är att få se mig så här, höra mig så här, lyssna på mig så här. Jag kan inte prata med henne för att ha någon att prata med. Att lägga in mig själv kommer inte heller hjälpa, det kommer bara sluta med att dem kommer ge en massa piller och tycka att det är lösningen på alla problem. För även om det kanske hjälper för stunden så är det ingen långvarig lösning, det kommer inte ta bort min smärta eller mina saker jag har att kämpa mot varje dag, varje timme, varje minut, varje sekund.

Jag blir tom när jag tänker på hur fan jag ska lyckas lösa mina känslor. Om någon skulle fråga mig om hur just den eller den saken ska lösas och vad jag kan göra för att lösa den så har jag verkligen, absolut inget svar.

Js släkt avskyr mig, varenda en. Dem låtsas om att jag inte existerar. Jag är som osynlig och inte värdiga dem den tiden att ens åtminståne "låtsas" att jag faktiskt är där, andas, tittar, blinkar.
Min julafton var helt åt helvete. Sedan hans släkt verkligen fick veta att jag har lämnat J, och att jag inte tänkte fira jul med dem (för att sånt firar man inte med sina ex, ett ex är ett ex liksom) så var det liksom ingenting mer med det. Men eftersom J tjatade och tjatade på mig att faktiskt vara med honom och dem istället för att sitta hemma helt själv hela den dagen så sa jag att jag följer väl med. Det handlade om någon dag mellan nej och sen jaja. Kommentaren jag fick i telefon var - "då kan du ju sitta här och vara ensam precis som att du är där hemma och är ensam, då har du ju i alla fall oss i närheten". Japp, sagt och gjort. Det var exakt det som hände. Överenskommelsen var att vi vuxna inte skulle köpa något åt varandra, utan endast till barnen så vi höll oss till det. När vi väl skulle börja dela ut alla paket så upptäckte vi att de vuxna hade köpt åt varandra ändå. Vilket gjorde att vi kände oss aningen dumma. Det sorgliga i det hela var dessutom att J fick 3 paket som var helt menade åt honom, men dem hade skrivit med mig (antagligen för att jag inte skulle känna mig ensam utan) - MEN det de inte tänkte på var att vi genomskådade att dem trodde dem kunde göra det för att vara "snälla" - men varför gör man det om sakerna ändå är menade åt den ena - J i detta fall - och ingenting åt den andra. Så min jul bestod att ensamhet och verkligen åter igen upp smetat i ansiktet om att jag inte är någonting. Jag var inte ens värd en liten jävla trisslott för 30 kr. Det sög, och det var en helt ny nivå av lågt gjort av dem. Tack för att ni förstörde självaste julen för mig mer.. Som att den var så mycket för mig innan. Vuxna människor. Det sägs att det är tanken som räknas, men hur kan man räkna så om det ändå inte är så?

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Postat av: Robertkacew



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2024-07-17 @ 04:48:57
Postat av: Donaldcrisa




How to Efficiently Plant Berries in Fruit Planting Bags

Berries are the delicious treasures of any garden, and planting them in vegetable growing sacks can generate bountiful harvests. These containers give superior water removal and aeration, necessary for fruit plants. Commence by loading the containers with a high-quality growing blend, guaranteeing it’s fertile in organic material.

Insert your fruit seedlings about 6 inches apart, making sure the crowns are just above the soil. Water them completely, and put the sacks in a bright spot. Fruits need at least 6 hours of sun daily to produce those delicious fruits.

The advantage of employing fruit planting bags is their portability. If a abrupt freeze jeopardizes, you can easily move the sacks to a protected spot. Plus, they keep insects like gastropods at bay. Delight in fresh berries all year long with this effortless planting trick.

Have a look at this
Sedona Guitarist that plays Flamenco Guitar in Arizona
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Mh5AE8xlwE


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2024-08-12 @ 03:07:11

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